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The big “get” here, though, is Connery, whose pedigree speaks for itself. His character is Patrick Mason, described in breathless tones as a “professional escape artist” and “former SAS.” He possesses uncanny powers of healing and observation. He also has an encyclopedic knowledge of Greek literature, exclusively acquired for the two minutes he has on screen with Ed Harris. We know all this because in Michael Bay movies, exposition consists of two characters shouting their resumes at each other in the rain, over Hans Zimmer’s robotic horn stabs. Broad strokes, people. Broad strokes.

Of course, Mason is no “escape artist.” It turns out he only escaped Alcatraz by solving a physics puzzle from Half-Life 2. Based on his actions in the film, Mason is more what my idea of an “escape artist” would have been in high school, if you’d put a gun in my face and given me ten seconds to come up with attributes:

“Uh...he can cut through bulletproof glass with an ordinary coin... um... maybe he escapes custody by prank calling room service and ordering excessive amounts of shrimp... and... confuses the police by driving an assault vehicle through... I don’t know… a trolley... in San Francisco... oh God, please don’t kill me….”

It’s all senseless crap, but it doesn’t matter. Connery’s turn here as a septuagenarian action hero leads to a priceless pair-up with Cage late in the film that I would gleefully visit a hundred times before I’d ever revisit Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Ultimately, the climax to The Rock includes Michael Biehn and an elderly James Bond teaming up with Oddball Nic Cage Character #249 for a boss fight against the Evil Cowboy from Westworld - in the subterranean maze of Tomb Raider levels that apparently exists under San Francisco bay. For good measure, throw in a bunch of poison gas missiles, a few dozen hostages and a bucket of popcorn.

If you can think of anything cooler than that, you’re a damn liar - because there IS nothing cooler than that. It’s like getting to passively play the weirdest Call of Duty mod ever, with top notch voice acting and cutting edge graphics.

It’s got everything I hate about Michael Bay movies, AND the things I must admit I love about them - in equal measure. There’s an arbitrary time limit. There’s a plucky team dynamic. When the plot needs to move forward, something explodes, there’s a car chase, Hans Zimmer fires up a chorus of jackhammers and the next thing you know, ten minutes have passed and the camera is spinning around a puzzled looking Nicolas Cage. Like candy, it’s only of benefit to you while you’re consuming it. But it remains immensely watchable, and still stands as one of Bay’s best attempts at formula, but I can’t give him all the credit.

No special effect can recreate Ed Harris’ chiseled intensity and laser beam eyes. You could daisy-chain the CPUs of a thousand overstimulated fembots and still fall short of the mad brilliance that was Nicolas Cage circa 1998. William Forsythe is a taller Joe Pesci whose voice doesn’t sound like a circular saw, and is also believable as a cop. No amount of CGI can equal what Michael Biehn brings to the table. And nothing in the world is better than the moment when Connery sneaks into Alcatraz by himself, flings the front door open and announces to a group of astonished Navy SEALS - in that spongy accent:

“Welcome to the Rock!”

This movie is lightning in a bottle, and the one time Bay managed to catch it is still worth experiencing today. He bribed me, I bought it, I loved it, and I’d do it all again.

Damn you, Michael Bay.

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