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This is where I remember the movie starting to lose me. The basic premise of the film is obviously derivative, and I’ve already mentioned examples. Lincoln is the lone dissenter in an antiseptic dystopia who finds his equally sexy female equivalent. They nurture each other’s curiosity and thirst for variety in life. They question authority. We’re clearly supposed to be imagining them having sex. I would commend the acting in this film as being generally worthy of the talent, but there’s an odd scene near the middle of the story between Lincoln and Jordan, when they first teamed up to tackle a mutual threat. McGregor and Johansson both seem confused, and the level of tension is about as convincing as the wedding vows between a bride and groom six decades apart in age.

It felt a little like a reshoot scene, barely rehearsed and hurriedly shot before someone realized one of the actors had gained five pounds. Still, both characters’ good natured innocence makes them seem like the smartest children in a room full of sixth graders. And if you step back with that in mind (as you are clearly meant to), you start to see the first act of the film in a different light. But if The Island fails to live up to the genre that inspired it, it’s only partially because it (mostly) drops its big narrative reveal far too early. Unfortunately, the story’s goal is not to find any insight into what separates us from animals.

Instead, for about half an hour, we get to see what Michael Bay’s version of Logan’s Run might have looked like (hint: slick, sexy, with music from a video game trailer). Then, it tries to be a horror movie for about ten minutes, before finally diluting itself into every other Michael Bay film you’ve ever seen. This means that yes, somehow there are eventually car chases, a 30- minute string of teal and orange explosions, a moment of realization in the rain, a handful of dutch angles, and the world famous “shit just got real” spin shot - from a goddamn helicopter.

That’s right, you walked into the dealership to buy the red car in the window, only to find out that they only have green ones, and windshield wipers are extra. The first 30 minutes of The Island dance around a handful of interesting (if well worn) ideas, before dropping them in favor of a string of action set pieces. The rest of the film is a generic Michael Bay flick featuring Steve Buscemi, some urban design concepts from The Fifth Element, gratuitous crane shots and helicopter flybys, as well as Ewan McGregor’s mildly off-putting American accent.

I do applaud Bay’s (somewhat feeble) attempt to tackle weightier content. Even if it does fail on almost every level, we’re talking about a guy who managed to turn the Pearl Harbor attack into a black comedy. Do we have any choice but to grade him on a curve? In fact, I guess we should be doubly proud, because the screenplay was co-written by Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci. They, like JJ Abrams, have deep creative ties with Mr. Bay. In fact, you may recognize those names as part of an elite fraternity of men, who have taken great pains to ensure that every action movie from now on is full of action beats and clever music cues, while remaining utterly devoid of plot.

This also means I wasn’t playing when I implied that the Bay/Spielberg coaching trees share the same patch of ground. Make of THAT what you will.

So, what can I say, other than if you’re worried about the lunatics taking over the asylum that is our society, rest assured the process began many decades ago. And leading the charge was Michael Bay, and his merry band of collaborators. The Island is, even to this day, among the “smartest” films Bay has ever made, and if you look at the box office, you’ll see he was soundly rejected. Clearly, after seeing his first attempt at intellectualism receive a resounding middle finger from audiences, Bay solemnly swore never to waste time on pointless things like “plot” or “character development” ever again.

Yes. I am saying that in a twisted way, we ASKED for those Transformers movies.

On the upside, do you remember what I said about The Island feeling like a horror film for about ten minutes? Those were actually ten relatively effective minutes, taken out of the context of the film (IN context, the whole premise behind the film turns out to be rather inane, even by its own logic). Therefore, I propose that Michael Bay call it a day with the whole “giant robots fighting ninja turtles” genre. I’d like to see him try his hand at a horror/buddy/action/comedy/musical. Not only would this cater to Bay’s greatest strengths, but it would represent a return to form for the man behind one of Vanilla Ice’s least memorable videos (for what THAT’S worth).

I even can see him beating Eli Roth at his own game. And to those who sarcastically say that Michael Bay has made nothing BUT horror films so far, my answer is:

You ain’t seen nothing yet.

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