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To the film’s credit, it does attempt to provide context to all that Robot Politics, but it’s mostly gibberish. To give the story actual weight, we’re told that should the Decepticons pull off whatever it is they’re planning, it’ll destroy the Earth. And for the most part, the plot is allowed to revolve around the surprisingly likable LaBeouf (remember when everyone didn’t hate him?), a group of lovable Army Rangers led by Josh Hartnett and Tyrese Gibson, and the possibility that Megan Fox might, at some point, get drenched with water. The robots, for the most part, are given enough personality that you can tell them apart, if not exactly come to care about them. In short, I guess I have to say that while the movie itself feels big, dumb and pointless, it does get the most important things right. That would be A) the giant robots, and B) the giant robot fights.

As I said, I never understood why a robot would choose to be shaped like a human, unless they knew at some point they were going to have to interact with us. The fact that every time a Transformer wants to go somewhere, it must change into something way better than a human kind of bears this out. But since Transformers ARE shaped like humans that turn into things like cars and jet planes, it introduces a lot of interesting possibilities with regard to Giant Robot Combat. Michael Bay is well known for his majestic hair and his hyper-kinetic action set pieces, and he puts the latter to excellent use here.

So at any given point there’s nothing of substance really happening on screen, but by God does it ever look cool! I suppose it is unfair that I have no choice but to look back at Transformers through the lens of the awful sequels that came after it, but since I have no choice, I have to admit it’s more fun than I remember. That's not to say I “enjoyed” watching it so much as it means I “didn’t hate it as much as I thought I did.” At the end of the day, Transformers is a Michael Bay joint, which means everything you think it does, both positive and negative. But that first film was also co-produced by Steven Spielberg, whose human touches do, to some degree, help the story resonate.

I know it’s difficult to imagine Shia LaBeouf as anything other than a punchline, but before he started sharing Randy Quaid’s toothbrush, both the quality of his work and the trajectory of his career were very different from today. But like it or not, it’s mostly LaBeouf and his interaction with his robot friends that drive the story forward. And before you tell me that Megan Fox can’t act, look at the girls they eventually replaced her with and get back to me. Neither Jon Voight nor John Turturro do themselves any favors as a pair of aggressively cartoonish villains, unless you’re a more demanding sixth grader than I was.

For those counting at home, Sam’s super annoying best friend is played by John Lancaster, so that makes 0-3 for people named “John” on this film, regardless of spelling.

At the end of the day, and at the end of Michael Bay May, what truly matters to me is this:

Yes, Michael Bay makes a lot of terrible movies. But between you and me, I wish the Pope had made the month of May a little longer so I COULD subject you to the glorious failure that is Pearl Harbor. But one thing even Bay’s detractors must admit is that even if you hate the spectacle of what he does, he’s at least very good at that PART of it. He’s so good, in fact, that Spielberg himself was the man who actually picked up that phone and was initially told “no.” Yes...Michael Bay himself felt that a stupid popcorn flick based on ugly toy robots was beneath him. And then, as Spielberg must have done - as I have done - he looked over his own filmography and knew what we ALL now know.

Michael Bay was the only man alive who COULD make this movie successful.

It’s the franchise he was born to lead. And a decade later he’s still making terrible, plot-free tentpole films about giant robots fighting - but never really winning - an endless, pointless, stalemate of a war. For the record, I hate it every bit as much as I did when I was a kid. But for one movie, made what seems like a lifetime ago, Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg teamed up on something and it was actually kind of fun. It took the Grand Old Man of Hollywood himself to do it, but someone finally put Bay’s talents to the use they were always meant for.

Think about that.How many of us can say we’re doing what we were born to do, and even though it’s a stupid thing, we’re doing it better than anyone alive? Michael Bay can, and he can do it with his spectacular golden mane held high. I still hate most of his work, and I still say he’ll never win an Oscar.

But he’s won my (grudging) respect.

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