Elf Off the Shelf 2019
By Daron Aldridge
December 25, 2019
The Elf on the Shelf phenomenon continues to steamroll the Christmas consciousness. If you have somehow escaped this trend, here's how it works: Your family buys the Elf on the Shelf and all through December, he moves around the house after the kids go to bed. He serves always as the eyes and ears of Santa, and then flies home to the North Pole every night to report. He's a Christmas surveillance drone, if you will.
For the sixth year, the Elf is not content with merely hanging out on some shelf or mantle. He's once again taken a liking to not just invading your homes but well-known movie posters. Now, he returns as an Elf Off the Shelf.
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Day 1: Keeping tradition alive and scratching that MCU itch, the Elf once again starts with a Marvel movie. Actually more like a Marv-elf movie.
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Day 2: A Captain Marvel by any another name would...be called Shazam! The Elf decides to see how the other comic book half lives.
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Day 3: Can the Elf make it back to the North Pole each night to report on your kids? YES, HE CANADA! It only makes sense that the Elf embodies Duke who hails from the Great White North, like himself.
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Day 4: It looks like Sandy is angling more for Santa's naughty list instead of the nice list. Either way the Elf just needs to hop in ol' Greased Lightning to get to the North Pole quickly.
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Day 5: In honor of what would have been Walt Disney's 118th birthday on Dec. 5, the Elf skips on over to The Sword in the Stone (Disney's 18th theatrical animated film). Hmmmmm...hanging out with a magical fellow with a big white beard? Not much of a stretch for the Elf.
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Day 6: The Elf leaves the confines of suburban, modern households and the North Pole to find himself out in the western frontier. This journey of self-discovery results in redefining himself as "Dances with Elves."
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Day 7: As a tribute to being the "family member" most others would like to be the victim in a murder mystery, the Elf takes a seat in place of Christopher Plummer for Knives Out.
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Day 9: Fully embracing the Maxwell Smart experience, to all the kids on Santa's Naughty List, the Elf only has this to say, "Would you belieeeeeve...you missed the Nice List by *that* much?"
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Day 10: This outlaw Elf comes out of retire to exact justice for all those that are perpetually on the naughty list. Such a constant transgression would truly make them unforgiven.
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Day 11: The Elf goes from serving Father Christmas to embodying the Lizard King. To paraphrase Morrison, "There are things known (like "Did you see what the Elf did?") and there are things unknown (like "Ummm...why did he do that?") and in between are the doors."
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Day 12: If the Elf had decided to assume the role of Austin, he'd likely just plead, "Oh behave." But as Dr. Evil with an even mini-er Mini Me, if he's asked about being on the nice list, his reply would just be, "How about NOOOOOO!"
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Day 13 and Day 14: When a Friday gets out of control and you can't finish your "work," the Elf has to pull a double feature. He overcame stiff competition but is settling nicely into the title role of Bernie.
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Day 15: It's only 10 days until Christmas and the Elf Is about to get "Sirius" about his next movie endeavor! Unfortunately, that means he will have to make his way to the North Pole with a detour to Azkaban. Watch out for Dementors. They are very much on the naughty list.
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The Elf is just like the rest of us He can't resist the instant earworm of The Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive when seeing this poster. So on this 42nd anniversary of the film, the Elf slips on Tony's shoes and decides to strut.
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Day 17: Same game...new levels...new players. It's Jumanji: The Next Elf! With some arctic settings this go ‘round, the Elf might just feel right at home, like the good ol' days are the North Pole. But I don't think he will be able to capture the Rock's smoldering intensity.
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Day 18: Are you ready for the truth? The truth that you are on the naughty list! The Elf must report to Santa and his will to do so is unbreakable.
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Day 19. "That's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game and this magazine. And this chair. And I don't need one other thing...except my dog." It sounds an awful lot like a really crummy Christmas list for the Elf. Maybe there should be a third list for Santa: Nice, Naughty, & Jerky.
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Day 20: Dark side...Light side. Naughty list...Nice list. As the Skywalker saga comes to the end, the Elf takes center stage to bring balance to the Force.
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Day 21: The Elf recruited some friends for a little side hustle that's sure to displease Santa. He and his buddies assume many roles in the appropriately named The Big SHORT!
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Day 22: If Denis Leary's Gus thought this dysfunctional family was a handful before, the replacement of two characters with the ubiquitous Elf will definitely make him feel like a hostage now. Just get out of town, Gus.
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Day 23: In honor of the 25th anniversary of this film, the Elf slides into the camo pants and beret of Guile in Street Fighter. Let's see: Fighting back against an authoritarian leader with a penchant for wearing all red? Sounds like something the Elf might be able to relate to.
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Day 24: After hanging out in homes passively monitoring the actions of kids for years, the Elf decides to take a more active role and step into the world of Parenthood. Methinks that these two little "angels" might not be on the nice list.
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Day 25: Christmas is finally here and it's time for our good friend the scout Elf to transition from his seasonal role back to his primary duty as Santa's house elf. See you again next year, little fellow. May the big man treat you well. Merry Christmas!
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