BOP Goes to the Oscars
By BOP Staff
February 28, 2005
Greetings, BOP readers. It's our third annual live blog for the Oscars. Since we know this telecast is probably set to be the lowest rated in history, count on us to be your eyes and ears.
Kim Hollis
Hey, Annette Bening brought her grandpa to the Oscars. How nice of her.
Reagen Sulewski
I hate watching straight men pretend to care about women's fashion. "Who designed your dress?" is such a disingenuous question. Ask what color her panties are. I at least might believe you are interested inthe answer.
David Mumpower
I think Renee Zellweger has botoxed her entire body.
Reagen Sulewski
I was really holding out for the chyron under Halle Berry's name to mention her Razzie win and appearance.
Tim Briody
Speaking of Berry's Razzie win, doesn't the fawning treatment of her by the Razzies show that committee out to be the fame-whores we always thought they were? "We think you suck, unless you come to our dinner."
Reagen Sulewski
Showing up to accept a Razzie is like showing up in court to contest a divorce. You had to have screwed up huge to get to where you are. Just accept your failure and move on.
David Mumpower
What would have been funny at the Razzies would have been for Adrien Brody to show up and mack on Halle.
David Mumpower
I guess that dress Gwyneth Paltrow is wearing eliminates any lingering doubts we may have had as to whether she's still nursing little Apple. Though I'm now wondering if she hired Hilary Swank to take care of that for her. Two words Hilary: Nipple. Tape.
Jennifer Turnock
Hey, nipple tape was mentioned 11 minutes faster than last year! Good job, gang!
David Mumpower
And I started drinking about two hours earlier than last year, too. That's what replacing Joan and Melissa with Star Jones and Kathy Griffin will do to you.
Reagen Sulewski
I know some of the men here may disagree, but there's always time for nipple tape. If your breasts need homing beacons to get people to look at them, they you need to be emphasizing a different asset.
Jennifer Turnock
Why is Billy Bush yelling at me? Doesn't he know he has a microphone?
Reagen Sulewski
Man, talk about some backhanded compliments for Orlando Bloom. "Co-starred with two-time nominee Johnny Depp." "Brad Pitt's co-star in Troy." Me thinks someone in the production booth had their
girlfriend go on about him in Lord of the Rings one too many times.
Tim Briody
Upset of the night already. Orlando showed up without a beard, er I mean, date.
Reagen Sulewski
If Clive Owen is not named the new James Bond, I swear to go Goldfinger all over MGM/UA.
David Mumpower
I was expecting Clive Owen to say that his life was changed by Closer in that a lot more women are now expecting rough sex from him.
Reagen Sulewski
See, Clive should get bonus Bond points for inflicting such torment on Jude Law.
David Mumpower
Oh dear, a rogue band of swallows has nested in Scarlett Johansson's hair.
Reagen Sulewski
Scarlett looks like she let a post-bender Courtney Love do her hair and makeup.
Jennifer Turnock
They're not doing Mike Myers any favours by showing his eight years ago self. He's starting to get a Dan Akyroyd-esque like blimp to him.
Reagen Sulewski
Mike Myers: "I'm just so happy we're talking about me."
Kim Hollis
The nice thing about having Mike Myers in the audience is that everyone else is assured that they are not the most self-absorbed person in attendance.
David Mumpower
A really good strategy in a year where everyone feels the nominees are dull is to start with an overly long, pretentious Dustin Hoffman voiceover. That should weed out the semi-narcoleptics right off the bat.
David Mumpower
I only counted three gratuitous references to the narrator's roles in the opening. Good job, Dustin.
Reagen Sulewski
The show is rated TV-14 for Language? I guess that's what Chris Rock hosting will do.
Tim Briody
We're 30 seconds in, and Chris Rock hasn't forced the usage of the seven-second delay yet!
David Mumpower
I don't know if the projected low ratings are a good thing or a bad thing for Chris Rock. On the one hand, if it goes awry in a Letterman-esque way, less people will see it. On the other hand, I
suspect that some of blame is going to be flung at him.
Jennifer Turnock
If Chris Rock were doing the Johnny Carson Show, he would not be getting invited over to the couch.
David Mumpower
"singing, dancing and shooting" *cut to P. Diddy* Best. Edit. Ever.
Reagen Sulewski
I swear to God they're using a laugh track.
Kim Hollis
Chris Rock better be paid enough for this gig to send us *all* checks for $80.
Tim Briody
You know, I'd probably watch an Oscar telecast hosted by Pootie Tang.
Reagen Sulewski
If Chris Rock keeps hitting Dubya like this, I half expect Billy Bush to jump him backstage.
David Mumpower
Damn, I forgot to set my "Black reference-ometer". I think Chris Rock's monologue has it up to about 50 already.
Reagen Sulewski
How weak was that intro? I haven't heard that much uncomfortably forced laughter since Bill Gates spoke at CES.
David Mumpower
The Aviator has won Best Art Direction. The rest of the show is a mere formality now.
David Mumpower
Smart idea: Starting the show with the Art Direction award. Now we have to keep watching this garbage for a while until they finally get to a real category.
Tim Briody
Note to Gil Cates: Having the nominees stand onstage=worst idea ever. Well, other than that intro.
Kim Hollis
So is the deal to get all the nominees on stage, then have them fight it out for the Oscar in hand-to-hand combat?
Reagen Sulewski
The Italian winners for Art Direction were in clear violation of Oscar Ethnic Stereotype Rule #457, wherein they must gesticulate wildly and say cutesy accented things like "I use up alla my Engla-lish!"
Reagen Sulewski
The Jack White year was unkind to Renee Zellweger. The CGI pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean didn't have faces this emaciated.
David Mumpower
There must be a supply of emergency sandwiches backstage to feed Renee.
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Make-Up goes to Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events. Since these are less important people, they don't get to come out of the balcony in order to accept their award. The microphone is brought to them instead. I like the way it accentuates the Haves and Have Nots nature of the entire ceremony. I also look forward to the day a Best Make-Up Rosa Parks refuses to sit at the back of the Oscar bus.
David Mumpower
I am filled with hatred for Gil "No really, separate IS equal" Cates. He's the Uwe Boll of TV event producing.
Jennifer Turnock
So as it turns out, having the nominees get their awards in their seats is the worst idea ever for the Oscars.
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Animated Feature goes to The Incredibles. As promised, Kim Hollis will now safely return the pets of all Academy members.
David Mumpower
Brad Bird is like a modern day Paul Williams. Or an older version of Joss Whedon.
David Mumpower
I can't shake the feeling that everyone involved is going through the motions. Robin Williams was funnier in One Hour Photo than he is tonight.
David Mumpower
It's really a shame that "America, Fuck Yeah" wasn't nominated for an award. Robin Williams would have been so much better that way.
Kim Hollis
The Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Morgan Freeman for Million Dollar Baby. This is, astonishingly enough, his first win.
David Mumpower
"Wait a minute, this looks like Chris Rock's handwriting in the envelope!"
Reagen Sulewski
Welcome to the evening of Lifetime Achievement Awards.
Tim Briody
I already resent Drew Barrymore for Fever Pitch and it's still over a month away from release.
Kim Hollis
Dare we ask what the "multi-talented" Drew Barrymore's other talents are?
Tim Briody
I don't care how lovely she is, what a great voice she possesses or how strong her French is. Goldmember has ruined Beyonce for me.
David Mumpower
I believe the English translation of this song asks us if we are prepared for this, and makes reference to the singer's large posterior.
Reagen Sulewski
Yes, five minutes of commercials at a time is so much more preferable to having the winners get to walk up to the stage.
Reagen Sulewski
While doing this joke about non-Hollywood folks watching movies, they are accidentally exposing the core flaw with this year's awards. Few people have seen most of the major contenders. We have to go back to 1998 to find a year where so many unknown films got such end-of-year attention.
David Mumpower
Wait a minute. Rock is doing one of Jay Leno's bits? He was right the first time. Hollywood is out of touch with America.
Kim Hollis
Although everyone in the Academy died a little inside with all the White Chicks praise.
Reagen Sulewski
Wearing the regal tiara only magnifies my pre-existing philosophy that Scarlett Johansson has a chance to be the next Grace Kelly.
David Mumpower
Ah, that's a nice bit of cruelty to have Pierce walk out to the theme of the movie series he was fired from.
Reagen Sulewski
In a clever bit, Edna Mode of The Incredibles is chosen to give out the Costume Academy Award. Brad Bird is having a very good Academy Awards thus far. The winner is Sandy Powell for The Aviator.
David Mumpower
Why are all the costume design nominees dressed like blind hobos?
Tim Briody
Didn't she basically just get an award for watching old movies and copying what clothes they were wearing in them?
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress goes to Katharine Hepburn...err, Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn.
David Mumpower
Cate Blanchett should totally win the Oscar for playing Annie Lennox.
Reagen Sulewski
Was Cate's husband sitting next to Angelina Jolie? I bet she's seduced him away by the time she gets back to her seat.
Reagen Sulewski
I think Cate Blanchett is married to a gnome.
Kim Hollis
Hey, those long, lonely winter nights filming Lord of the Rings in New Zealand can make a girl do desperate things.
Jennifer Turnock
You're right. The gnome was probably the only straight man on the set.
David Mumpower
Hell, after a few shots of grog, I'm sure she was ready to take on Gollum in a hot game of Find the Precious.
Jennifer Turnock
I think Chris Rock goes home in shame after seeing this Johnny Carson montage.
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Documentary goes to Born into Brothels. Note that this is not the Tom Sizemore story.
David Mumpower
If I was Morgan Spurlock, I'd make myself my own Oscar with a giant fast-food gut.
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Editing goes to The Aviator, which now has a total of four statues.
Kim Hollis
This is the happiest song ever nominated for an Oscar. And it's by Counting Crows, of all bands.
Tim Briody
You'd be pretty damn cheery too, if you looked like Adam Duritz and had the most babalicious roster of actress ex-girlfriends since Scott Baio.
Jennifer Turnock
What the hell is that on Adam Duritz's head?
Reagen Sulewski
Adam Duritz had the hairstyle equivalent of Catwoman.
David Mumpower
With Adam Sandler and Chris Rock standing in for [alleged absentee presenter] Catherine Zeta-Jones, I haven't seen this much nervous homo-erotic banter since the wrap party for Lord of the Rings.
Reagen Sulewski
Sideways takes home the Academy's Consolation Prize, aka the Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar.
Tim Briody
The Academy Award for Best Visual Effects goes to Spider-Man 2, a film that has more box office than the five Best Picture nominees combined.
David Mumpower
The visual effects guys are the ones responsible for making Jake Gyllenhaal look like a leading man, right?
Reagen Sulewski
You know, the visual effects people talked during their acceptance speech, but my mind was still locked on Zhang Ziyi in that dress.
David Mumpower
Al Pacino is starting to look like one of those crazy guys who panhandles at the interstate exits.
Kim Hollis
He's starting to ramble on like the crazy panhandler guy too. Any minute now I expect him to launch into his manifesto against the government thugs who are monitoring his thoughts by mind control rays
embedded in traffic lights.
Jennifer Turnock
OK, that clip from [Sidney Lumet's new film] Find Me Guilty... not inspiring the confidence. Vin Diesel in a red brush cut wig. Also, I thought there were no movie commercials allowed during the Oscars.
Reagen Sulewski
Blanket criticism: the show thus far has no soul. What has happened that would be memorable? The speeches have been truncated to the point that "Thanks and bye!" sums them all up. The comedy bits have gone over about as well as Andy Kaufman's wrestling career. To this point, the highlight of the show is Adam Duritz's barber, who may or may not be Cedric the Entertainer.
David Mumpower
It also does not help that there have been no surprises thus far. Everything we had #1 in the power rankings has won. Blech.
David Mumpower
I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the interpretive dance numbers.
Reagen Sulewski
Somewhere, Debbie Allen heard that comment and yelled, "Yes! I knew some day you'd be begging for me to come back, bitches!!"
Jennifer Turnock
This has been the longest six hours of my life.
Tim Briody
Emmy Rossum is creepy as all hell. She has one, count 'em, one facial expression.
Reagen Sulewski
I would *defy* anyone to tell the difference between Emmy Rossum and her Madame Tussaud's wax counterpart. Sharks have more emotionally expressive eyes.
Jennifer Turnock
Beyonce is wearing my chandelier as a necklace.
David Mumpower
Seriously, I haven't seen this much ice since Batman and Robin. You could host the Winter X-Games on Beyonce's bosom.
David Mumpower
If Accidentally In Love hadn't already been performed, I'd be very scared that it would also be sung by Beyonce.
Tim Briody
Those last two jokes by Chris Rock sent my Bruce Vilanch meter off the charts.
Tim Briody
See, Chris Rock was kidding [when he called Jeremy Irons a comedy legend], but Jeremy Irons's quick, glib response to a loud noise onstage is already funnier than anything Chris Rock has said all night.
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Live Action Short goes to Wasp by Andrea Arnold. She refers to her triumph as "the dog's bollocks". Sounds like a script concept for Shrek 3.
David Mumpower
Laura Linney presents the Animated Short Oscar after stepping out of a wind tunnel.
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Animated Short i.e. The Pixar goes to Ryan by Chris Landreth.
David Mumpower
The downside to presenting awards in the audience: You find out how many people are hitting the bathroom at any given moment.
Tim Briody
The Academy Award for Best Cinematography goes to Robert Richardson for The Aviator. We have the makings of a dominating near-sweep. It's five for six thus far with five to go. Alan Alda for Best Supporting Actor is the only ding to date.
David Mumpower
Looks like after last year, they realized it was just easier to give all the awards to one movie from now on.
Reagen Sulewski
Personally, I think it's just all part of a cruel joke to get Scorsese's hopes up before the Best Director Oscar gets yanked away from him at the last minute like Charlie Brown's ever elusive
football.
Jennifer Turnock
Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek are presenting together. Defamer.com must be working themselves into a frenzy making jokes about their rumored lesbian tryst.
David Mumpower
These presenters should come with subtitles.
Reagen Sulewski
Also, does anyone else think Salma and Penelope are slightly concerned about the potential success of Catalina Sandino Moreno's career?
Reagen Sulewski
I'm sure both of them left flaming bags of dog feces on Eva Mendes's doorstep when they read that she was cast as Will Smith's love interest in Hitch primarily because she's a Latina.
Jennifer Turnock
The Academy Award for Best Sound Mixing goes to Ray. Baby, it's alright.
David Mumpower
Which only reminds me that we're getting perilously close to the part of the ceremony where I throw up in my mouth at Jamie Foxx strong-arming the crowd to play along with his "Let's 'honor Ray' by
doing the call and response thing. AGAIN."
Jennifer Turnock
The Academy Award for Sound Editing goes to The Incredibles. Kim Hollis scurries off to play with her Syndrome doll.
David Mumpower
Man, Sound Editing Guy #2 was on a short leash there. I think he got out four words before the music cut him off. Now, this Bonnie lady will never know he loves her.
David Mumpower
Wow, Carlos Santana really will play with anyone.
Reagen Sulewski
Even Zorro!
David Mumpower
On second thought, bring Beyonce back.
Tim Briody
Antonio Banderas is no Michelle Branch.
David Mumpower
I'm pretty sure he slipped in a line there telling people to hire Melanie Griffith for more roles.
Reagen Sulewski
"Dudes, seriously. Having her home all the time is killing my sex life. Surely someone has a movie shooting in Prague some time soon?"
Jennifer Turnock
Is Antonio Banderas a vampire? Can we make him one?
Tim Briody
There is something innately wrong with any footage of John Stamos running during an Academy Awards broadcast.
David Mumpower
Natalie, honey, when you say "and I applaud them," the proper thing to do immediately thereafter is, you know, applaud.
Tim Briody
The Academy Award for Best Documentary Short goes to Mighty Times. There is something funny about two men celebrating while everyone else standing around them dies inside.
David Mumpower
The Academy Award for Best Score goes to Finding Neverland. I am gravely disappointed that presenter John Travolta did not dance during any of the clips.
David Mumpower
Johnny Depp is apparently in an open audition for The Colonel Sanders Story.
Reagen Sulewski
Martin Scorsese is just on stage to remind people that if he doesn't win tonight, he "knows some guys".
Reagen Sulewski
I think it was kind of mean to hire a WNBA player to be the stage escort. Would Tom Cruise even come up to her waist?
Reagen Sulewski
Of course he would come around her waist. Tom Cruise is all about the ladies!
David Mumpower
We should start blogging Super Bowl Sunday instead.
David Mumpower
You're not kidding, David. The highlight for my parents so far is the Pepsi Spartacus commercial.
Tim Briody
How many different kinds of sleeping pills is Annette Bening on at this moment, anyway? I don't think she blinked that entire speech.
Reagen Sulewski
Note to Annette: the phrase "solemn dirge" in your speech was not intended as a stage direction. It's ok to have a little bit of affect in your delivery.
Jennifer Turnock
The audience is so bored by now that they are reduced to clapping any time they recognize a movie showed onscreen. "Hey, that's Raging Bull! I know that one!"
David Mumpower
And Marlon Brando easily wins the "In Memoriam" popularity contest.
Reagen Sulewski
I'm disappointed they didn't include clips from Paul Winfield's stirring performance as the metaphor-speaking Captain Dathon in Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Reagen Sulewski
Hmm, Puff Daddy made the Oscars before his buddy Ashton Kutcher did. I can't decide if that's an upset or not.
David Mumpower
Couldn't they have gotten Aerosmith to perform at least one of these songs?
Reagen Sulewski
Gil Cates must have bought Beyonce performances in bulk at Sam's Club.
David Mumpower
This has been the longest 23 hours of my life.
Tim Briody
Prince (I don't know how to use that symbol for his name on this keyboard) gives out the Academy Award for Best Song to The Motorcycle Diaries. Adam Duritz's hair is outraged.
David Mumpower
Damn, the show would have become way more interesting if Adam Duritz had to make an acceptance speech.
Tim Briody
I'm not sure who is turning into Vincent Price faster, Prince or Bob Dylan.
Reagen Sulewski
Just think, 40% of the people in the first three rows had their home phone numbers accidentally distributed by Paris Hilton.
David Mumpower
Everybody back from the bathroom! It's time for a real category! And Sean Penn provides a massive buzzkill to an already dead show. Dude, Jude Law really was in half the movies released last year. It's funny, dammit!
Tim Briody
Was Sean Penn defending Jude Law? Attacking him? Flirting with him?
David Mumpower
Sean Penn and Adam Duritz have the same barber.
Reagen Sulewski
I think Spicoli had a little weed before this presentation.
Kim Hollis
The Academy Award for Best Actress (rightfully) goes to Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby. Swank is now a two-time Academy Award winner at the age of 30. Annette Bening resolves to only take glamorous roles in years when she knows Swank is sticking to commercial stuff.
David Mumpower
The lesson as always: if you're a woman in Hollywood over the age of 35, you're hideously old and will never win an Oscar.
Reagen Sulewski
Note to Hilary: don't forget to thank Chad this time.
Kim Hollis
The Next Karate Kid has two Oscars. Ralph Macchio is PISSED.
Tim Briody
Fairly ominous portent: the last actress to win two Best Actress awards this young: Bette Davis. Next up for Hilary, "No, Really, What Did Happen to Baby Jane?"
Reagen Sulewski
The Academy Award for Best Foreign Language Film goes to The Sea Inside.
David Mumpower
Foreign Film goes to a movie about a guy who wants to kill himself. Man, do I ever understand that feeling right now.
Reagen Sulewski
And the first time in recent memory that "never bet against Hitler or the Holocaust" doesn't come true.
Reagen Sulewski
The Best Original Screenplay goes to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Charlie Kaufman finally shatters the glass ceiling.
David Mumpower
Two words: WOO and HOO!
Tim Briody
What a disappointingly conventional speech from Kaufman. Was I the only one expecting him to like, phase in and out of our dimension or talk in some kind of indecipherable twin speech?
Reagen Sulewski
Aeon Flux presents the Academy Award for Best Actor to Jamie Foxx. Cheadle was robbed!!!
David Mumpower
"And the Oscar goes to... Ray Charles! Wait, I mean..."
Reagen Sulewski
Green Day was so robbed. Stupid Ray Charles.
Tim Briody
Glass must be flying at the Carrey household. "HE WON BEFORE I EVEN GOT A NOMINATION???"
David Mumpower
I think Jim Carrey is quickly negotiating a deal to star in the Stephen Hawking story.
Reagen Sulewski
[The "Heyyyyyy" "uhhhhhhhh" bit] is cute once, boring twice, and downright irritating a third time.
Reagen Sulewski
Tearful Jamie Foxx is the runaway winner for Best Speech.
David Mumpower
Having just had twins, Julia Roberts wastes no time in showing them off. This time without the Erin Brockovich outfit.
Tim Briody
If Martin Scorsese loses this, I expect him to riddle the voters with bullets.
David Mumpower
If Marty loses, he's going to be calling Jim Carrey to see if he can get in on some of that Stephen Hawking biopic action.
Jennifer Turnock
And the Academy Award for Best Director goes to Clint Eastwood. Scorsese Grand Theft Auto crime spree, here we come!
David Mumpower
I'm surprised Scorsese doesn't rush the stage like ODB at the Grammies that one year.
Reagen Sulewski
Martin Scorsese has worse luck in the post-season than the Atlanta Braves.
David Mumpower
The Academy is apparently not without its sense of whimsy. "No, Marty, this time for real!"
Reagen Sulewski
*Kevin Costner* still has more Best Director Oscars than Martin Scorsese.
Jennifer Turnock
The Academy Award for Best Picture goes to Million Dollar Baby.
David Mumpower
In hindsight, Foxx's win is that much more impressive. That's the only biggie Million Dollar Baby didn't get. The voters gave The Aviator the minor stuff plus the Blanchett nod. Otherwise, it was all Team Eastwood. And the movie was made in 37 days. Unbelievable.
David Mumpower
What's with the Terminator theme for the closing? Is Ah-nuld going to come in and blow away the rest of the audience?
Reagen Sulewski
That was 49 hours I will never get back.
Tim Briody
How many years before they get desperate and turn the show over to Robin Williams, or, God forbid, Mike Myers?
Reagen Sulewski
People oftentimes say that there are clear-cut choices at the Oscars. This year, though, bore that out to an unusual degree. We had the power rankings down cold. We got five out of nine right with the second ranked choice winning the other four. These were all two-horse races with the exception of Best Actor (where legitimately any of the contenders was worthy).
David Mumpower
I have to say, I'm pretty happy with the winners this year. Or at least I'm not filled with fist-shaking outrage and indignation the way I sometimes am after these things. Which is good, because I need all that hate for Gil Cates.
Jennifer Turnock
Cheadle is disappointing but deep down I know that he probably finished fifth in the voting. It's strange how this works now. I remember when we first started researching the Ray project, nobody had
heard of it. We had that huge discussion about who the director was since there was so much incorrect information out there. We wound up having to contact the production company to find out, and they weren't that well informed at the time, either.
Million Dollar Baby was a film with a single paragraph description forever, because nobody had any information on it. The reason why was because the project went from announced to finished in a month. That shouldn't even be possible. Now, here they both stand as the best performance and best film of the year.
David Mumpower
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