July 2005 Forecast
By Kang and Kodos
June 29, 2005
Silence! We are travelers from a certain nearby ringed planet whose name we'd prefer not to mention. My name is Kang, and this is my sister Kodos, and we are here to talk about what you Earth-types call motion pictures. What you pathetic creatures fail to realize is that movies are a creation by our race to hold your attention while we complete our plans to take over your world! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How else do you explain the success of Will Ferrell?
Because we are the true puppet masters of the movie industry, it should be easy for us to tell you which movies will be the biggest ones for the month of July. Bow to our superior intellect!
1. War of the Worlds
Here is an example of a movie where our efforts at marketing might have been counterproductive. As some clever people will have noticed, Tom Cruise has been acting very weird recently. There is a good reason for this odd behavior, of course. We currently have the real Tom Cruise held captive on our spaceship that is hovering above your planet. In the meantime, Kodos has been posing as Tom Cruise in our effort to make sure that all you Earthlings see the film that will show your impending doom. Unfortunately, we are not perfectly knowledgeable about the way things work on your planet. We thought that [Katie Holmes] was the big movie star of the day since she is in that Batman movie. It seemed like a good idea to make Tom Cruise be in love with her. This strategy seems to have backfired, because people are calling him crazy. We then tried to take a different approach, wherein we prove that your so-called science of "psychology" is incorrect. Again, people seem to think that Kodos Tom Cruise is off his/her rocker. It does not matter, you incompetent creatures! You WILL go see War of the Worlds! It has The Spielberg as the director! We know that all you want are explosions and Dakota Fanning looking terrified and creepy! Go see the movie! Go see it! We will destroy you!
2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Fortunately for us, your Johnny Depp is a real-live alien. That doesn't really show up in any of his work, of course, but we have made good use of him to sow our truth through your fields. Two Academy Award nominations! One of them for playing a pirate! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Now, you probably do not realize that the Great Glass Elevator in this movie is actually a spaceship that enables its travelers to journey to all sorts of different worlds. That is because your brains are weak and stupid. The Vermicious Knids will enjoy you as a nice appetizer for their dinners!
3. Fantastic Four
We take great joy as puppet masters of the movie industry in playing a game we call "Destroy the Comic Book". The best part is that you stupid humans almost always spend big money to see how we have done it. This time, we are going to make Dr. Doom look ridiculous like Darth Vader and screw up his origin story. Also, our casting of Jessica Alba is something of a masterstroke, in our opinion. This movie will suck, and you will love it!
4. The Island
The work of Michael Bay has provided us with some of our greatest triumphs! While we were busy organizing horrible weather events and other natural world disasters, scores of you were out at movie theaters watching such tripe as Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. Now we have given him added credibility by allowing him to work with two great actors - Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Actually, if you watch closely, this movie's message will have much to do with our plans for your future. When you hear friends saying that they are going "down island", don't expect to ever see them again!
5. The Wedding Crashers
As long as you people keep laughing at Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson (and Ben Stiller and Luke Wilson and Will Ferrell and Jack Black and Robert De Niro), we will keep putting them in movies for you! We have also added a healthy element of hot chicks for your viewing pleasure. Those guys are big dorks! We think you are foolish for loving them! We have to cast Vince Vaughn in 25 more movies as soon as possible!
6. Stealth
We have been using robot spaceship technology for longer than your civilization has been in existence. Naturally, you humans would be too stupid to create such technology yourselves, and we have capitalized on that notion for this stupid-looking movie from the director of another stupid movie, Fast and the Furious. But we will blow things up and Jamie Foxx will make you laugh, so you will spend your money!
7. The Bad News Bears
We have used great talent for this film and then masked it by the fact that we know people are starting to hate remakes (note: must discuss new thievery ideas). Billy Bob Thornton will be assigned to play coach roles from here on out. We only regret that we did not bring Jack Black onboard to fall down a couple of times. You think that is funny!
8. Dark Water
Why do you idiots like these movies that are ripped off from Japanese horror films? You can see the originals if you want and probably have a more satisfying result! That's good for us, though, because we know that we can pump out all kinds of stupid, crappy horror and you will still go see it! Quality is unimportant! On a sidenote, the idea of evil water destroying you is not so far-fetched as you might hope to believe. Beware the Gulf of Mexico!
9. Sky High
Bruce Campbell is in this movie, so we do not have anything bad to say about it!
10. Must Love Dogs
Women love Diane Lane *and* John Cusack! *And* dogs! It's a home run out of the park! We usually save the romantic comedy projects for our lesser officers, but this one was special for us. The trailer makes you smile! Admit it! We are holding up the boom box and playing "In Your Eyes" for you!
Print this column
