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From the obscure to the obscurest to the merely overlooked or underappreciated; they all have a home in the TiVoPlex! All times Pacific.

Tuesday 03/14/06

12:05am Showtime
Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders (1989 USA): Bet you never knew there was a sequel to 1974's soporific softcore sci-fi satire Flesh Gordon but here it is, a feature released to little fanfare 15 years after its progenitor hit the midnight movie circuit. Of course, by the time Cosmic Cheerleaders arrived, that circuit was on its last legs, and the sequel didn't manage to achieve anywhere near the same level of notoriety. The double entendres - including characters Dale Ardor and Flexi Jerkoff - returned, but a less-than-enthusiastic theatrical response (coupled with an NC-17 rating) condemned this to an ancillary afterlife spent on the shelves of mom-and-pop video stores nationwide. It's been a long time since Cosmic Cheerleaders hit the airwaves, and I suspect that Showtime will be bringing us the R-rated video edit this morning. Nevertheless, on the off chance that the film's giant talking penis survived the cuts, fans of bad cinema will want to take a look. Also airs at 3:05am.

7:10am The Movie Channel
Hard Promises (1991 USA): And what better to follow on the heels of Flesh Gordon than a film called Hard Promises? Ah, but this isn't what you might think, especially those of you with resolutely filthy minds. It's actually a thoroughly ordinary studio drama featuring Sissy Spacek as a divorcee whose ex-husband (CSI star William L. Petersen) comes crawling back to her on his knees when he finally decides he's ready to "settle down'. This is the sort of relationship drama (oh, okay, CHICK FLICK) that I don't dig very much, but any feature with Spacek in a lead role is worth a look, and this one also happens to be making its wide-screen television debut this morning. Also airs at 10:10am.

11:35pm The Movie Channel
Ferpect Crime (2005 ESP): I'm a huge admirer of Spanish director Alex de la Iglesia, whose previous efforts Perdita Durango and Day of the Beast combined intelligence, humor, and cinema grue to superb effect. His most recent film actually got a small-scale American release last year, and it ended up being one of my favorite pictures of 2005. Ferpect Crime stars Guillermo Toledo as Rafael, a floor-walking store manager and full-time ladies man who's bedded all the female employees in his department bar one. The one he's missed (Monica Cervera, in a deliciously hyperactive performance) is Lourdes, an ugly duckling who's a tad upset about being overlooked. Utilizing her still-considerable feminine wiles, the woman scorned soon snares male chauvinist pig Rafael in an inescapable, noirish web of murder and deceit, engaging him in an extended game of mutual deception. This is a comedy first and foremost, however, and the lengths our womanizing anti-hero must go to in order to escape Lourdes' clutches lead to a truly hilarious series of mishaps. Also featuring a very fine performance by Luis Varela as Don Antonio, Rafael's overbearing boss, this visually impressive feature serves as a reminder of how much is truly possible with a motion picture camera, and how the vast majority of filmmakers are either too lacking in imagination or too hidebound to try something new. Caveat: this may be a dubbed print, but it's worth watching regardless. Also airs 3/15 at 2:35am.

Wednesday 03/15/06

11:10am The Movie Channel
Pope of Greenwich Village (1984 USA): Stuart Rosenberg's tale of a pair of two-bit criminals (Eric Roberts and Mickey Rourke) who get in over their heads in Little Italy returns to the small screen this morning in wide-screen. I've always been a fan of both actors - if you haven't seen Rourke in Volker Schlondorff's Barfly (1987), run out and rent it - but they never really became bona fide stars, and have spent much of their careers plowing the fields of straight-to-video and straight-to-cable quickies. In 1984, though, they were still at the top of their respective games, and are outstanding here as Paulie and Charlie, clueless mugs who end up stealing Mob money intended to grease palms at the local police precinct. A sterling supporting cast, including Geraldine Page (nominated for a Best Supporting Actress Academy Award), Burt Young, M. Emmet Walsh, and Daryl Hannah, and good location photography offset Dave Grusin's inappropriate score. Oh, and check out Roberts in Star 80. What a slimeball. Also airs at 2:10pm.

Thursday 03/16/06

4:15am Turner Classic Movies
I Sell Anything (1934 USA): TCM's schedule has an interesting twist today: nine films whose titles begin with the pronoun "I", airing back-to-back to...well, I think you get the idea. Most of these features have popped up from time to time on TCM in the past, but a couple are quite rare and worth a look for fans of ‘30s cinema. I Sell Anything features Pat O'Brien as Spot Cash Cutler, a confidence trickster who sells fake antiques to the suckers, until one day he gets taken by society woman Millicent (Claire Dodd) who parlays her $50 purchase into a multi-thousand dollar payday. When Spot Cash gets word of her windfall, he demands a cut from Millicent, but ends up with some business advice that sees him relocating his storefront to the Upper West Side. Also featuring Ann Dvorak, Ferdinand Gottschalk, and Hobart Cavanaugh, I Sell Anything is a brisk, enjoyable, and somewhat unusual romantic comedy from director Robert Florey (Murders in the Rue Morgue). Florey's I Am a Thief (also 1934), a murder mystery set on the Orient Express and starring Mary Astor and Ricardo Cortez, airs at 10:30am.

12:45am Sundance
Head-On (2004 GER-TUR): Two German Turks with some serious personal problems are united by happenstance in this unusual kitchen-sink drama from director Fatih Akin. The two are Cahit and Sibel (Birot Unel and Sibel Kekilli), who meet in a psychiatric ward after a pair of unsuccessful (and in Cahit's case, perhaps subconscious) suicide attempts. Sibel needs a man to get away from her overbearing and hyper-traditionalist family, and Cahit simply needs someone to feed him and wash his hair. At first the pair finds their new relationship quite agreeable, but these truly star-crossed lovers soon learn that when you put two self-destructive personalities together, things can go wrong in a hurry. The winner of the Golden Bear at the 2004 Berlin International Film Festival, Head-On makes its American television premiere this morning.

5pm Turner Classic Movies
Good Times (1967 USA): Ain't we happy we got ‘em? No, not THAT Good Times; this is the one starring Sonny and Cher in their only feature-length film. They play themselves in a light-hearted (and empty-headed) tribute to Hollywood, directed, believe it or don't, by future Exorcist helmer William Friedkin! Without a hint of irony, Good Times' flimsy plot revolves around Sonny's refusal to accept assignment to a film with a lousy script. Forced by the terms of his contract to find a project worthy of his talents, it's up to Sonny to find an acceptable substitute, causing the desperate future Republican congressman to dress up as a cowboy, a gumshoe, and a Tarzan-style jungle hunk. Also on hand are wicked old George Sanders, well-endowed Edy Williams, and (true story!) my one-time self-defense instructor, Bruce Tegner. Airing in wide-screen, Good Times features a pretty decent selection of Sonny and Cher numbers, though sadly there's no room for Bono's anti-drug classic, Pammy's On a Bummer.

10:15pm IFC
Once Were Warriors (1994 NZ): Everyone's favorite cross-dressing amateur streetwalker, director Lee Tamahori, got his start with this powerful drama about one man's efforts to overcome his personal demons. Future Boba Fett Temuera Morrison stars as Jake, a violence-prone Maori trying to hold his dysfunctional family together in the only way he knows how: with his fists. Most days, Jake's a jovial, convivial personality, but when someone crosses him - or he simply has had too much lager - his latent anger bursts spectacularly to the surface and he lashes out with red-hot fury. Star Wars notwithstanding, Morrison is a superb actor, but his performance here is matched by that of Rena Owen, who plays Jake's put-upon (and frequently beaten-down) spouse. Once Were Warriors spawned What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted in 1999, an unlikely sequel that's been recommended in this column in the past, but to quote Dobie Gray's The In-Crowd, the original is still the greatest.

Friday 03/17/06

5pm Turner Classic Movies
A Night to Remember (1958 GB): The sinking of the Titanic has been a popular subject for filmmakers ever since steel first kissed iceberg. First out of the slips in 1915 was an eponymous Italian film (which may or may not still exist), followed by émigré director E. A. Dupont's large-scale re-enactment, Atlantis, in 1929; a recently-restored Nazi propaganda version in 1943; Hollywood's first take on the subject ten years later, and, most recently, a really crap version by some guy called Cameron in 1997. The best of the lot, however, remains this historically accurate iteration, adapted from Walter Lord's magisterial book by mystery writer Eric Ambler and brought to the screen by director Roy Ward Baker. Kenneth More, a lightweight British actor more inclined to comedy roles in films such as The Sheriff of Fractured Jaw, acquits himself nicely as the ship's second officer and narrative device, and the supporting cast includes Honor Blackman, David McCallum, Andrew Keir (who would portray Professor Quatermass for Baker in 1967's Five Million Years to Earth), and Desmond Llewelyn. Magnificently shot in black-and-white by Geoffrey Unsworth, the film also utilizes - without credit - some of the special effects shots from the German version. The film went on to win the 1959 Golden Globe award for Best English-Language film, but surprisingly received no Academy Award nominations, not even for its purloined special effects!

Saturday 03/18/06

2am The Movie Channel
Open House (1987 USA): This week's award for Worst Film Premiering in Wide-Screen goes to this barrel-scraping slasher flick about someone who's killing the great real estate brokers of Southern California. Joseph Bottoms stars as psychologist Dr. David Kelley, who receives threatening calls from the killer. Mr. Mass Murderer has his eye on Kelley's buxom girlfriend Lisa (Adrienne Barbeau), who earns a living holding Beverly Hills open houses, lending a new meaning to the colloquial term "looky-loo'. If you haven't already snorted milk out of your nose after reading this absurd, though blessedly brief, précis, consider this: director Jag Mundhra's next film was the equally appalling Hack-O-Lantern. Mundhra has, perhaps wisely, since returned to the Indian sub-continent, furthering his career with films such as Tales of the Kama Sutra 2: Monsoon. Roll over Satyajit Ray, and tell Raj Kapoor the news. Also airs at 5am.

9:05pm Skinemax
Witches of Breastwick(2005 USA): At first I was just going to list this one because of the title. Then I noticed the name of genre specialist Jim Wynorksi - whose resume includes a whole host of enjoyable-if-trashy fare such as Transylvania Twist and The Haunting of Morella - attached to it. Then I checked out Wynorski's IMDb listing, and discovered that Jim has, of late, primarily been making straight-to-video softcore slop such as Busty Cops, The Bare Wench Project, and this little gem. Why it took someone almost 20 years to parody The Witches of Eastwick in this fashion is beyond my ken. Also airs 3/19 at 12:05am.

Sunday 03/19/06

7pm Sundance
Occupation: Dreamland (2005 USA): Coming on the heels of such Iraq War documentaries as the overrated but insightful Gunner Palace and the excellent if overheated Fahrenheit 9/11, Occupation: Dreamland (whose co-director, 37-year-old Garrett Scott, tragically died this month) is a solid, non-partisan look at the realities of life on the amorphous front lines of guerrilla warfare. Scott and fellow filmmaker Ian Olds spent several weeks during 2004 with the 82nd Airborne Division in Fallujah, prior to the November blitzkrieg that leveled the city. Though outspokenly opposed to the war they were documenting, Scott and Olds' film avoids the pitfalls of some left-wing polemics and keeps the focus where it belongs: on the deadly realities of day-to-day life on the ground. I'm still waiting for the film that explores that subject from the perspective of Iraqi civilians, most of whom aren't equipped with heavy weaponry and Kevlar body armor, but until that film comes along, this is a reasonable substitute.

Monday 03/20/06

4:45am Turner Classic Movies
The Phantom of Paris (1931 USA): Though also based on a Gaston Leroux character, this Phantom is not the more famous one who haunted the subterranean sewers of the Paris opera house, but a Houdini-esque escape artist (John Gilbert) falsely accused of murder. Gilbert is okay in this low-budget talkie, but as I've endlessly discussed in past columns, he never got a fair shake after the advent of sound, and this is certainly not one of his better efforts. That said, the film does also feature the wonderful C. Aubrey Smith, as well as familiar faces such as Natalie Moorhead, Jean Hersholt, and Lewis Stone. It's followed at 6am by Gilbert's very last film, the otherwise less-than-memorable Fast Workers (1933 USA).

2pm Turner Classic Movies
Adventure in Iraq (1943 USA): Who could pass up on a film called Adventure in Iraq? Perhaps our merry band of neo-cons all caught this on late-night TV back in the ‘60s and had a seed planted in their otherwise empty heads. The film revolves around the Allied survivors of a plane crash who land in the desert wastes of western Iraq and are taken in by a friendly sheik, who keeps herd over some sort of wacky devil cult that holds sway in the region. Realistic this is not, but if you want to get an idea of how America viewed our neighbor to the east prior to the CIA-supported rise of Saddam Hussein, look no further.

6pm Sundance
The Moscow Skyscraper (2004 GB-FRA): This compelling documentary takes a look at the history of an unusual Moscow tower block. It's a building with a unique and fascinating backstory: commissioned by Stalin and constructed in the post-World War II years by slave labor, this neo-Gothic skyscraper was designed to house the Communist Party elite at the heart of Soviet bureaucracy. The descendents of those KGB officials and other high-level pencil pushers still live in the building, located in the heart of the city and considered prime real estate by Muscovites. Produced for Britain's Channel 4, The Moscow Skyscraper provides fascinating insight into the contradictions of post-Soviet society, where the children of Communist apparatchiks continue to live lives of relative luxury and comfort.