By Stephanie Star Smith

November 17, 2003

The Nude Bomb

Mel Brooks never did know when to quit while he was ahead.

The Avengers

Except they forgot to write a script.

Oh, there were words, and a plot, of sorts. But someone somewhere got the idea that all that was needed was to parade Steed and Peel across the screen in all sorts of cool-looking outfits, using wondrous gadgets to catch an over-acting villain (really, someone needs to rein Sean Connery in when he gets like this). What started as a promising return visit to beloved characters ended up being empty screen calories of the highest order.

Lost in Space

Really, at some point, shouldn't someone at the studio have realized that you can't make a good film from a bad TV show? While there was a certain camp element to the Swiss Family Robinson-in-space high-concept of this Irwin Allen clunker, the idea that it could possibly be turned into a big-budget, science-fiction blockbuster is only slightly more laughable than the film that resulted. Starring William Hurt, Matt LeBlanc, and Gary Oldman's make-up, about the only thing more ridiculous than how seriously this flick took itself was the complete lack of science in the science fiction. Well, that, and Gary Oldman's make-up. Does this guy ever do a role where he looks and talks like an actual human being?

Twilight Zone: The Movie

Wild Wild West

On the face of it, The Wild, Wild West should never have worked, even as a television series. High-concepted as James Bond in the Old West, the premise of two Secret Service agents protecting President Grant from a variety of megalomaniacs and more assassins than conspiracy theorists claim offed JFK with gadgets that wouldn't be invented for decades, clever disguises and flying fists and feet is pretty laughable. But it worked, thanks to some clever writing, some great acting, and the amazing chemistry between the lead characters of James West and Artemus Gordon, played by Robert Conrad and Ross Martin, respectively.

When it was first announced a movie was planned based on the TV series, fans started wish-casting the two main characters. Several names were bandied about for Jim West, but when Will Smith was announced, pretty much everyone agreed he was a good choice. The casting of Artemus Gordon was much tougher; Ross Martin's unique talents had created such a singular character that it was difficult, if not impossible, to find someone who could come close to filling those proverbial shoes. But again, when it was announced Kevin Kline had been cast, the fans agreed the producers had gotten it right. Kline had, in fact, been one of the few names mentioned for Artemus after the film was announced that fans had felt could pull it off.

But long about, oh, I'd say ten minutes into the movie, you started wondering if anyone connected to the film had ever actually watched the series. Because what they put on the screen did not resemble The Wild, Wild West in the least. I mean, if Barry Sonnenfeld wanted to make a generic Will Smith action comedy, he should've called it Not-Really-Terrible-but-Not-at-All-Nice Lads, or Guys Wearing Various Shades of Brown and Grey, or Labor Day: This Time, It's Personal. And the characters should have been called Fred North and Sam Beefeater or Jack South and Mark Scoresby.

Because instead of The Wild, Wild West, what they ended up with was...well, Shitty, Shitty Movie.

What Sonnenfeld and Company did to the characters and the series' premise will be covered in a moment. The first problem with the film as it arrived in theatres is something that even a moviegoer who'd never heard of a TV series called The Wild, Wild West would have noticed: the film wasn't color-blind.

That may sound like a bit of an odd statement, but consider for a moment that The Wild, Wild West was set in America of the late 1860s. Now consider the fact that Will Smith is African-American. Even in post-Civil War America, and even in the North, blacks weren't treated as equals, and the idea that one might hold a position of responsibility and authority was unthinkable to the establishment of that time. In all the fan discussions of Will Smith as Jim West, the one thing that was never, ever mentioned was that Will Smith was African-American. It wasn't mentioned because no one paid any attention to it. It didn't matter. So one would naturally think that, given a filmmaker wants an audience to suspend its disbelief, the realities of the period setting, and the fact that the actor can pull off a color-blind role, race would not be made an issue of in the film.

One would be wrong.

Rather than simply ignore the issue, Sonnenfeld seemed to take every opportunity he could to beat the audience over the head with the fact that this man doing this job in this time could never happen. EVER. There's even a sequence where the good townsfolk at a party are about to lynch Will Smith/Jim West, and jokes are made about him "messin' with (their) white women". It's as if Sonnenfeld was saying to the audience, "Will Smith is a black man (slap) holding a position (punch) that he could never (hit) have (pummel) held (whack) in (thump) 1868 (wallop) America (thunk). Isn't that funny (bash)?"

No. It isn't.

Then there are the really, really big problems the film had from a fan's standpoint. Because one would think that a studio would base a movie on a TV series with a fan following in order to bring in those fans, thus ensuring an opening weekend audience, and would therefore try to remain as true to the original series as possible.

Again, one would be very, very wrong.

First, there's the matter of Dr Loveless. Created by Michael Dunn, the "little man with the great rage at the whole world" was rivaled only by Count Manzeppi as one of the most fantastic villains ever realized on the series, and could easily stand with any Bond baddie you care to name as one of the great super-villains of all time. No one could match the pathos, wit, and the downright cheery evilness, not to mention subtle acting, that Michael Dunn brought to the role. When the folks behind the movie decided to use Dr Loveless as the bad guy, it seemed a very bad idea (not the least of them, as it turned out), even though they were changing the good doctor's Christian name. But the casting of Kevin Branagh did allay some of those concerns.

Unfortunately, not only did Branagh decide to do his Gary Oldman imitation, but some lunkhead noticed that Michael Dunn was a dwarf and decided that they needed to come up with some reason why Branagh, too, would not be of average height. So once again deciding that they shouldn't miss any possible opportunity to prevent the audience from suspending its disbelief, they had the big-screen Loveless transected about the midsection and rolling around in some kind of gussied-up tricycle. Now, perhaps one could have overlooked the fact that you couldn't keep someone alive in the 21st century had that person been cut in half in such a manner - after all, there was many a thing happened on the series that was stretching it for the 20th century in which the show aired, much less the 19th in which it took place - were it not for the fact that Branagh seemed to take every opportunity to point out, either with action or actual speech, that he was but half a man.

Considering Branagh was overacting for two, however, I guess it evened out.

But probably the worst sin this abomination committed from a fan's point of view was ignoring what was essentially the very basis of the show: the relationship between James West and Artemus Gordon. This was the driving force behind many of the best scripts of the TV series; it held together some of the lesser stories, and always, always it informed the action. To have a movie based on the series where Jim and Artemus didn't know each other at first, and hated each other when they did meet, was akin to having a Marx Brothers movie where Chico wore a mustache, Harpo spoke with an Italian accent and Groucho was mute. Or an Abbott and Costello film where Bud was the comic and Lou the straight man. It just doesn't work.

The final insult of The Wild, Wild West, however, is that it was, at the bottom of it all, boring. Here you had two very talented lead actors, a solid supporting cast, an interesting premise, special effects galore, eye candy of the highest order...and it's all the audience can do to stay awake for its entire 107 minutes of running time. You have to work really, really hard to turn so many positives into one huge, steaming pile of...negative.

If only the film had been as intriguing as the music video for Will Smith's end-credits song, it might have been a blockbuster worthy of its July Fourth Weekend opening date.

Oh, and waiting until the third act to play the TV theme was just wrong.

Still, there was one tiny, infinitesimal bright spot to the eyesore that was the big-screen Wild Wild West. Kevin Kline, proving that he was, in fact, an excellent choice for Artemus Gordon - and deserved a much better film - also portrayed Ulysses S Grant in the movie, a fact that, unless you've an eagle eye for Master Kline, you wouldn't have realized until you saw the end credits. Or checked out IMDb.

So take these examples, all you studio heads who want to plunder the rich treasure trove that is television, as cautionary tales: actually use the premise of the series in your film.

Honorable Mentions:

Though it made enough money to generate a sequel and was popular enough with the kiddie-winks, for critics and grown-up fans of the original cartoon, the film left a lot to be desired. And given what they can do with CGI nowadays, can somebody explain why Scooby was so damned lame?

Hulk

Possibly the most-hyped film that turned into the biggest disappointment this side of the Star Wars prequels, The Hulk suffered mainly from a CG change that made the low-rent effects on the original series look like the height of ILM sleight-of-hand by comparison. And some actors just don't have the gravitas to be tormented superheroes.

Mr Magoo

Leslie Nielsen used to be so good in comedies. But long about Naked Gun 33 1/3, he wasn't any longer. And there are just some things that are funny in cartoons, but cease to be so when translated into live-action.