By Calvin Trager

May 21, 2002

What do you think is running through The Rock's melon these days? No, no; I mean besides a Kelly Hu sundae. I mean, talk about a paradigm shift. A $36 million opening at 3,400+ venues seems absolutely paltry when viewed through these nifty Spidey goggles I'm wearing, illuminated by the purple glow of my Mace Windu light-saber. Lookit; I know Universal isn't going to put a stop-payment order on his paycheck (you think they made it out to D. Johnson or T. Rock?) or anything. I'm not stupid or naïve; I know the movie is in the black and at the end of the day, that's all anyone cares about. It's a success, fine. I'm just saying that for that kind of rollout, The Rock came up a bit short is all. Like Frodo short. Like the offspring of Frodo and Yoda short. Like Tom Cruise standing next to Nicole Kidman short.

If The Rock was the next Arnold, does this make Tobey Maguire the next The Rock?

Exactly how much screen time do you suppose Tobey really logged in-costume, anyway? I mean, how would we know the difference? I know he got buff. I know he trained for months. Believe me, I want to believe it. I want to believe it like I want to believe that Justin never tagged Britney. Still, I have this nagging suspicion that it breaks down like this: 60% stunt-double, 20% CGI, 20% Tobey.

I think Kirsten Dunst peaked during the car wash scene in Bring it On.

Add Kirsten to the list of young actresses that are just dying to do a nude scene but deep down know they are just a little too chicken, a little too Goody Two-Shoes. I guess she was supposed to do one in Crazy/Beautiful but backed out at the last moment. I expect that little drama to play itself out a couple more times, and then one day she's just going to go all Halle Berry on us.

If you get a chance, check out Little Red Riding Hood, a short film by Dave Kaplan. TiVo caught this for me the other night off of Sundance, and all I can say is oh, my heck. It was one of those "I don't know what the hell I just watched, but I liked it" kind of moments. It was just clever and subversive and well done. You know, like the kind of thing Tim Burton would have done back when he still had vision and integrity.

I have the sneaking suspicion that George Lucas still hasn't figured out why we love Star Wars.

Which of the following smacks as the biggest stretch role of the summer: Ben "Keg Stand" Affleck as CIA spook Jack Ryan; Matt "Does anyone have Winona's new phone number" Damon as international assassin Jason Bourne; or Tobey "It's 555-3278 but she can't, uh, come to the phone right now, if you know what I mean" Maguire as Spidey? Before he pulled it off, I would have said Tobey. Actually, that's a bald-faced lie. The answer, for now and all time, is Ben Affleck. As an avid reader of Clancy's work, all I can do is cry myself into an Ambien(r)-induced sleep when I think about the, ahem, on-screen "evolution" of this character. Damn you, Alec Baldwin; damn you to Hell.

Hey, do you think solipsists have conventions, or go to group meetings or the like? Doesn't that kind of undermine the dogma? "Why yes, I'm a solipsist." "Oh my gosh, me too!" Hmm. That sounds like a Steven Wright joke. And if it isn't, maybe it should be.

Anyone besides me get the sense that Willem Dafoe's agent has been screwing with him the last...I don't know, forever? Like he's trying to find that one role that Willem's going to regret for the rest of his career, or perhaps the one that flat-out ends his career. And clearly, he hasn't found it yet, because Willem keeps pulling the rabbit out of the hat, again and again. Imagine the conversations his agent has had over the years:

• "You want Willem to play Jesus of Nazareth? In a controversial film that is going to alienate millions? Groovy. I'm sure his Q-rating won't suffer in the least; I'll pitch him on it."

• "Speed 2? Sounds great, of course he's interested. Wait, Keanu isn't coming back? Well, as long as it is a good story, it shouldn't matter, and I'm sure Jan de Bont won't let us down there. I mean look at all the other great things he's written."

• "Body of Evidence? I'm listening; uh-huh, Madonna's big comeback, uh-huh, capitalize on the success of Basic Instinct, uh-huh." Huh?

• "You think Willem would be right for a Max Schreck bio-pic? Mmmmm, I'm going to pass. Wait, it portrays Schreck as an actual vampire? Let me get in touch with him right away!"

• "If you can assure me that that is the costume he'll have to wear, then gentlemen, I think you've found your Green Goblin!"

I can't think of any other way to explain it. To say his choices have been "a little" eclectic would be like saying the target demographic for Moulin Rouge is "a little" gay, and I haven't even mentioned his supporting turns in perhaps the most reviled movie of 1999, eXistenZ, and perhaps the most reviled movie of 2000, American Psycho. In short (too late!), if Willem Dafoe doesn't have an uncredited cameo in Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course, I'm going to be sorely, sorely, disappointed. In his agent.

George Lucas, take note; the following are good ideas for names for Sith: Darth Raud, Darth Farious, Darth Volen, Darth Lignan, Darth Tak, Darth Seej. You will notice, George, that Darth Tyranus (or as I like to call him, TyranaSaruman Rex) is NOT on the list. Until this latest, I liked what George was trying to do there with the whole naming of the Darths thing, and it is pretty clever, I must say. Unfortunately, if you follow the Star Wars mythos, - and let's be honest, who doesn't? - it looks like we may be done with the Darths for a while. Since we know Sith travel in pairs, and that a basic plot point of Episode III (spoiler!) will be the emergence of Vader, it could be a closed chapter. We'll have to make do with Sidious, Maul, Tyranus, and Vader until Episode 7: Time to Bleed the Fan-boys Again.

A friend sent me this after his Wednesday midnight showing of Attack of the Clones, which had bad sound. It's too funny not to share: "I probably should have gone and bitched to theater management afterwards, but everyone was too busy comparing notes, trying to assimilate what they'd just seen on the big screen, weighing the story and acting and visuals to determine whether they should be ecstatic, or disappointed, or indignant (too late, suckers; George Lucas already has your effing money)."

Indeed. But now we know that the Star Wars geeks couldn't out-geek the Spider-Man geeks, at least in short-term box office. And that leads to another question: Who would win if all the Star Wars geeks and all the Spider-Man geeks were locked in a no-holds-barred, battle to the death? Answer: All the rest of us. See ya next time.

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