By Calvin Trager

June 21, 2002

And while WB has ultimately been proven right for the decision to kiddie-up the movie (as the $18 million Friday number shows, they didn’t lose young adults as a consequence), the folks over there know deep down that content-wise, they could have done something really twisted and fun if they’d wanted to. Instead they’ve sacrificed Scooby at the altar of the almighty dollar. Ironic, if you’ve seen the movie.

When I said I was looking forward to Spy Kids 2, this wasn’t quite what I had in mind.

When can we expect the Dawson and Pacey spy movie? Shouldn’t this winner be through principal photography by now?

Let me get this straight: The premise for Juwanna Mann is that a mid-level star in the NBA gets banned for life and so, in order to continue to earn a living, dresses up like a woman and joins the WNBA. Put aside for a moment the been there, done that cross-dressing concept. What is this character’s motivation? In the NBA the minimum salary is $247,000 per year; the average is in the millions. In the WNBA, the highest salary is in the $80,000 per year range. End of pitch meeting, thank you for your time. I’m more than willing to suspend disbelief, but I am not willing to suspend you taking my common sense for a long ride, walking it to a secluded spot in the woods and going all Miller’s Crossing on its ass.

As far as Windtalkers goes (not very far, apparently), I get the sense that MGM green-lighted a different film than the one in the can. On paper this is an Oscar contender based on story alone, and with that temporary, Academy-friendly, November 2001 release date, it seems the studio was thinking along those lines, too. I picture them sitting in meetings, saying things like, “I can’t believe no one thought to do this story before now. We’re geniuses! This is the one, gentlemen, this is the big one. For stories like this one, they give out Oscars.” Then it’s like, one day they woke up and realized they were making a Nic Cage movie, directed by John Woo. Aack! Prank caller, prank caller! You know that cold sweat, nauseated feeling that washes over you when you know you’ve screwed something up royally? Lots of Pepto making the rounds at MGM these days. At least they get a discount for buying in bulk. Not screwing up is actually the exception there.

Luckily Minority Report is coming this weekend to remind us what summer can be when it is at its best. Repeat after me: Fun and smart, fun and smart and fun and smart. When I read in the latest EW that Spielberg “assembled a panel of 28 renowned futurists …and told them to spend three days brainstorming on life in the year 2054”, well, that’s all I’m asking for. I don’t think it’s out of bounds of me to ask, if you’re doing a sci-fi flick and you want my $9, for the collective brainstorming of 28 renowned futurists. And that’s what Spielberg delivered. Nice job, Steven.

Unfortunately, to read that little insight I had to get past a two-page photo spread of Tom Cruise doing flips and karate kicks. Lookit, I love Tom Cruise, going all the way back to Joel Goodson. I really do. He was robbed in 1989 and possibly again in 1990. But no one - man, woman, gay or straight - is calling for Tom Cruise, kung-fu master.

There’s a movie that opened this past weekend titled The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys. I don’t even have a joke here.

www.whatsbetter.com: I’m not just suggesting you check it out, I’m demanding it. And let me just settle this once and for all: The only thing better than Christina Ricci in a hot tub drinking champagne is Christina Ricci in my hot tub drinking champagne, mmmkay?

I mean, where else on the Internet are you going to be asked to make tough choices on the relative value of two unrelated objects, like: What’s better, Sarah Michelle Gellar or cholera? All right now, don’t rush me; I’m thinking, I’m thinking.

At the MTV Movie Awards all anyone could talk about was how ugly Brad Pitt's beard looked. I don’t know, I think Jen Aniston is kind of cute.

The newest definition of pin-drop silence is: The audience reaction to the Hey Arnold! trailer attached to Scooby-Doo last weekend. And this is a theater full of kids who were bordering on apoplexy over the antics of Scoob and Shag and Velmster (who is definitely way hotter than Daphne, which we covered last time).

Hey Arnold! will probably be profitable for Nickelodeon, but only through their patented brute-strength marketing can a movie that looks, style-wise, worse than its television version, find its audience. If they had simply strung four of the TV episodes together, they would have a better-looking product. When it comes to massive failures in making The Leap from TV to movies, it looks like Arnold decided to skip right past David Caruso and head straight for David Schwimmer territory.

On the other hand, The Powerpuff Girls appear to be making The Leap. I know what you’re thinking; it looks just like the TV show, too. The difference here is that the writing is going to carry the day.

The American Film Institute’s Top 100 Screen Romances...something tells me these guys aren’t getting a lot of dates. A Streetcar Named Desire at No. 67? Which romance do you think they’re referring to, Stanley’s rape of Blanche or his abusive, unfaithful marriage to Stella?

I enjoyed Spirit - a lot, actually - but have a huge problem with the title addendum "Stallion of the Cimarron.” It's gangly; it has all the grace of a 13-year-old boy with size 13 feet. And size 15 shoes. And those shoes have their laces tied together. It's like the executives at DreamWorks couldn't trust us to figure out for ourselves that the movie was about a horse. "Spirit? That's no good. The kids are going to think it's a ghost story.” I'm surprised they didn't just rename the character Horsey McSaddlesore in order to eliminate all but the remotest possibilities for confusion.

Britney Spears tipped her next career move earlier this week. As her follow-up feature to Crossroads, she signed to star in, of all things, a NASCAR-themed movie. And while I'm sure you're going to be hearing a lot of jokes about this in the coming days and weeks, let me just say that I for one think it is a fine choice. I mean, isn't it about time Britney learned her way around a stick shift? See ya next time.