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Billy Zane

Some of you may be asking, “Who?” Some of you may be wondering if this is a joke. Some of you may be reciting Billy Zane’s famously bad dialogue from Titanic (“I make my own luck!”). But I am serious. What’s more, Billy Zane’s most high-profile role as an action hero manages to also be a failed superhero movie. Back in 1996, before superhero movies were the norm, not outliers like Batman, Paramount Pictures tried to jumpstart a franchise starring The Phantom. Why not a superhero movie about a guy in a purple suit and a decoder ring? Why not Billy Zane, pre-Titanic, as the lead? Why not Treat Williams as the villain? And Kristy Swanson as the female love interest? Yeah, The Phantom was pretty much dead on arrival, but part of the problem is that Zane is just a dead zone of charisma.

I know, there are some of you who love Zane (and yes, he is funny in his cameo in Zoolander), but his is not a name that inspires confidence in any movie he’s in. Sure, he’s fine in Titanic, but he’s also supposed to be a proverbially mustache-twirling villain, so it’s fine if he’s nothing if not loathsome. But how many action heroes can go from being loathsome in one movie to dashing and daring in another? I’m willing to admit that The Phantom would’ve failed with pretty much any actor (much as I’d be willing to wager that Jonah Hex would have sucked with or without Josh Brolin, an otherwise fine actor), but putting Billy Zane as the title character just begs for trouble. Small wonder he’s not a star.

Owen Wilson

In 2001, Owen Wilson and Gene Hackman co-starred in a wonderful, exciting, entertaining, and fresh new film. It was called The Royal Tenenbaums. Those of you with good memories will remember that The Royal Tenenbaums was preceded, by only a month or so, by the silly action film Behind Enemy Lines, which posited Wilson as a lone wolf who lands in the middle of the war against Bosnia and has to get back to his base without getting killed, and without much help from his superiors, even the intrepid character played by Hackman. This film was made back when Hollywood wasn’t exactly sure what to do with the blonde actor with intense blue eyes and a strangely shaped nose. Nowadays, Owen Wilson signifies nothing less than laid-back cool in raunchy comedies or family movies. Back then, not so much.

So why is Wilson such an unlikely action hero? He’s not exactly awkward running around or carrying a gun, but his off-screen persona has matched what he brings to the silver screen, so I wouldn’t feel too threatened about a guy holding a gun when he looks like he just left the beach. Matthew McConaughey’s about as threatening (and don’t get me started on him being an unlikely actor to play various roles; remember him as the intellectual in Contact?). Wilson has appeared in other movies with action in them, but they’re predominantly comedies; you may not have laughed much at Starsky and Hutch or the Shanghai Noon films, but they’re meant to be gutbusters. Wilson learned his lesson, even if Behind Enemy Lines did well enough to spawn direct-to-DVD sequels; he’s too relaxed to be a hero.

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