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The Twitter Opera
I wish I could understand the hype and fervor surrounding the hottest show on network television, Glee. I love musicals. I like high school dramas. I should love Glee. But I hate it. We can discuss that later, but I’m more than willing to acknowledge that Glee is incredibly popular. Let’s continue - or help end - that popularity with the Twitter Opera! Okay, it won’t really be an opera, per se. No, this will be the story of how Twitter was created through song. Lea Michele, Cory Monteith, the rest of the Glee gang: they’ll all be there for this wild, woolly, and toe-tapping story of the underdog triumphing over the big guy to become the dominant new force in social networking! Can you say “Number-one album on iTunes for a full year”? (I hope so. You just came out of hiding into civilization. Basic speech is important.)

Now, there are two options with regards to the music. As proven on Glee, you don’t need to create new music to make money (and why would anyone want to create something new? That’s for losers!). Plenty of popular music - let’s try to make it come from the 1980s! - can be exhumed for use in this Twitter musical. Can you picture one of the cast members from Glee - with Jane Lynch scowling in the background, because that’s what you pay a talented comedienne to do - belting out My Way to express how they feel they have to make Twitter their way, not someone else’s? I cannot begin to describe how much money would be made on the trailer alone. Twitter is very good for social marketing; why not exploit it in the film? Get Ryan Murphy on the horn!

The Tweetening

One notable aspect of The Social Network is that its screenwriter, Aaron Sorkin, has been very particular about expressing his distaste for Web culture. If you watched the political drama he created for NBC, The West Wing (and you did watch that show before you went into hiding, right?), you’ll know that, through his characters, Sorkin would often lambaste Internet forums and those who frequented them. Now, speaking as a member of the Internet…or something, I’d like to spend a little time on why Sorkin’s opinion is a bit narrow, but that’s not what we’re here for. Taking the cue from Sorkin’s distaste and fear, let’s turn the story of Twitter’s inception into a horror film. Yes, friends, you had better hold onto your seats for the scare-filled frightfest known as…The Tweetening!

Remember? Just like The Happening! (For the purposes of this column, let’s pretend The Happening was successful and well-liked.) In The Happening, of course, Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel were beset upon by…the wind. Well, it was really nature striking back at mankind, but that’s not what it looked like. In The Tweetening, Twitter is what it is now: a popular social networking site where people update their statuses all day long. Except here is where people’s worst fears are realized: using Twitter too much has turned these people into mute zombies, constantly on their iPhones and Blackberries, except when attacking those who still cling fiercely to being called Luddites. As with any great horror movie, there’ll be plenty of blood and violence to enjoy. The question is who do you root for? The people who use Twitter…to KILL? Or the people who fight back without technology? See for yourself this Halloween!

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