I've heard tell that Eric Dane is a professionally employed actor on television. That seems like a dirty rumor based on his performance in the ensemble film Valentine's Day, in which he reads his lines with the enthusiasm and conviction of a hostage in a bank robbery, landing him in fifth place. Portraying an aging football quarterback with a secret, he brought to mind Brett Favre in There's Something About Mary – and came up short in the comparison.

Sixth spot goes to the first of two actors in From Paris With Love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, a victim of miscasting so egregious it borders on the criminal. Rhys-Meyers plays a low-level functionary at the U.S. Embassy who suddenly morphs into a super-spy, and manages to sleepwalk his way through even that role. Sean Connery at his manliest couldn't have been expected to pull this off, but he would have at least tried.

It's certainly not impossible for musicians to make the transition to credible actors – Will Smith and Mark Wahlberg come immediately to mind, among others – but you could see the talent underneath. Pre-fab country-pop princess Miley Cyrus doesn't come close to that level, and it lands her in seventh place on our list for her showing in The Last Song. It's true that her fans don't expect anything more from her than saying all the words in order and staring moonily into whatever dude they stick in front of her as a love interest, but Miley, adulthood is careening around the corner for you, and they expect real emotions in those movies.

A three-way pile up at eighth place completes this category, starting with repeat offender John Travolta in From Paris With Love. This is the third time he's landed in this territory, spewing his overacting all over The Punisher and Be Cool in the past. Jeez, Travolta, you can't even act poorly well.

Then we have a pair of lovebirds from Valentine's Day, Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift. Perhaps it's a tender mercy to Lautner to be this low after his showing in the Twilight films, but he and Swift are equally terrible as a couple of high school seniors apparently told to act like eight-year-olds told to show off at a talent pageant. Lautner, who's two Twilight movies away from the start of his career in gay porn, and Swift, who seems to equate acting with flailing her arms around, are likely only saved from being higher up on this list due to the (blessed) briefness of their parts.

Just missing out on the full brunt of our scorn are the two leads from Killers, Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl, and Joaquin Phoenix, in his career-killing role as “himself” in I'm Still Here. Oh, how we wish that weren't true. (Reagen Sulewski/BOP)

The Calvins Introduction
Best Actor
Best Actress
Best Album
Best Cast
Best Character
Best Director
Best Overlooked Film
Best Picture
Best Scene
Best Screenplay
Best Supporting Actor
Best Supporting Actress
Best TV Show
Best Use of Music
Best Videogame
Breakthrough Performance
Worst Performance
Worst Picture

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