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What’s also bothersome about The Three Stooges is that these characters are simply representations of characters, performed poorly. In a short film, characters need to be one-note. In a feature-length film, not so much. And it’s not that I’m expecting much more from Larry, Moe, and Curly than them being Larry, Moe, and Curly. None of the actors go past their “be fat and go ‘woop-woop-woop’” characterizations. They, and the screenplay, are so stuck in being true to these characters that haven’t aged very well to begin with that in modern cinema, it’s really not enough.

I’ll admit it – I laughed three times in The Three Stooges. They’re decently-created gags that end up working. For a movie that’s supposed to be a non-stop barrage of laughs, that’s terrible. I’m not sure what the excellent supporting cast was thinking when they signed on. Either they owed the Farrellys a favor or the paycheck was gigantic (or they’re gluttons for embarrassment – look no further than Brian Doyle-Murray having his armpit hairs plucked out. Also, there are no fewer than five jokes about pulling out body hair).

The worst part – the absolute worst damn part – comes after the film. Peter and Bobby Farrelly come on-screen for a Marge Simpson-style disclaimer. And I’m even more inclined to send my kids to bed early for a Treehouse of Horror than worry about them pulling out people’s body hair. Watchdogs Pete and Bob tell us that, in fact, they weren’t actually hitting each other. The weapons were rubber and they used many sound effects to make it seem painful. And it’s not a joke. It could have been a joke – maybe even a funny one – in a different movie; not one so far removed from, well, trying. The Farrellys haven’t had a good track record in the past 15 years, and especially in the last few, they’ve been abysmal. This (I’m sure) media-pressured warning shows just how far down they have gone in the past 20 years (from, in my opinion, not a very high point at that).

Oh, I haven’t mentioned the baby pee yet! There’s lots of baby pee.

Overall, unless your taste in slapstick is somehow even more forgiving than mine, you’ll regret seeing The Three Stooges. Not-Sean Penn, Not-Benicio Del Toro, and Not-Jim Carrey can’t pull it off, the Farrellys can’t pull it off, and even Larry David can’t save it. I may even go as far as to say that this Three Stooges movie is worse than Jersey Shore, which it hates so very much.

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