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And, will we ever get to see that “Congratulations Burt and Vicky” wedding cake that I predict will look so bad?
Obviously I can’t tell you that, but I CAN tell you that Children of the Corn is one of those “could have been solved with a cell phone movies,” so for that reason alone I guess it only holds up so well. The whole reason Burt and Vicky end up driving 50 miles out of their way is because they needed to use the damn phone. Even for 1984, so many contrivances are required to place them in Gatlin that it’s hard not to feel like the story wastes at least 15 minutes of runtime pointlessly delaying the inevitable.

The film is also partly narrated by one of the kids (can’t say which one), and while it does provide useful insight into the plot, it’s also kind of distracting. The narrative only applies to one of the story threads, so it picks up and drops out seemingly at random, making you feel like you’re watching more than one film. It also doesn’t help that the child narrating sounds to be about six or seven, and that really wears on you after a while. The performances overall are adequate, I suppose. Both Hamilton and Horton are of average acting ability, so they seem neither challenged nor embarrassed by this material.

The only real standout is Franklin, who is thoroughly disturbing as Isaac. As I said earlier, it’s unnerving to hear a kid that age spouting off Bible verses with the complete confidence of a seasoned demagogue.

For the record, Children of the Corn is directed by Fritz Kiersch. If that means nothing to you, then suffice it to say that the only thing wrong with his work is the same thing that’s wrong with most Stephen King film adaptations. The direction, acting, writing - even the damned music and sound editing – are some combination of tepid, uninspired, and/or inordinately conventional. This isn’t a great film, and whether or not it’s even “good” is something I guess you could argue, if you had enough time and you were Kiersch’s mom or something.

Otherwise, I’d say that this is an utterly pedestrian movie that wouldn’t necessarily ruin your life if you were laid up with a broken leg and this was somehow the only thing on TV. If that sounds like faint praise, remember - this is a Stephen King adaptation. That’s a very long list that tops out at The Shawshank Redemption and hits rock bottom with Maximum Overdrive. Children of the Corn is closer to the bottom than to the top, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it could have been.

Let’s call it a damn sight better than Jurassic Shark, but considerably less fun than Sharknado.

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