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I’ve mentioned this before, but I want to make sure everyone’s aware of the fact that here at Viking Night, we DO take requests.

It’s not that there aren’t enough movies in the world to keep me busy until the end of time. It’s just that not every film I could technically write about is something I’m willing to sit through. If I were a betting man, I’d say you’re never going to see Jurassic Shark or Transmorphers here, although Sharknado is still up for debate. I’m sure you’d probably love to read it, but when the only credit I can give a movie is that I wish I’d thought of the title, it doesn’t make for much of an article.

No, there has to be something more there, even if the movie is bad. There needs to be something that distinguishes it from its crappy brethren and makes it worth remembering. I hate it when I finish watching a movie and kind of wish I’d had a colonoscopy instead, and so should you. Maybe one day when my life is perfect, my enemies defeated and my bills are all paid, I will have time for Metalstorm - the Destruction of Jared-Syn. Until that day, I will just…probably go ahead and make that the name of my new band.

So when a Friend of the Column suggested Children of the Corn, I realized I’d been given a gift. Does this film have a title that would make awesome album cover art? Yes. Is this film based on the work of beloved author (and I’m sure one day to be revealed ritual serial killer) Stephen King? Absolutely. Does it star Sarah Connor herself, Linda Hamilton, and a bunch of other people? And does she sing in this movie? Yes, she does. Come with me if you want to live, because Linda Hamilton is a terrible singer.

But yes. The answer to all of those things is “yes.”

But being a Stephen King story, Children of the Corn is more than just a metal sounding title. It is also the story of tormented young couple in a small town surrounded by creepy children. The story takes place in the small Nebraska town of Gatlin, where everyone under the age of 18 has suddenly gone on a rampage, killing off all the adults in one fell swoop. The Horde is commanded by a creepy 12-year-old named Isaac (John Franklin) and his sidekick, a bloodthirsty Ginger named Malachai (Courtney Gains).

Isaac is surprisingly intimidating for a pre-teen. He dresses like he manages the Cotton Club and speaks like a dime store Hannibal Lechter. Malachai is a ginormous meathead who’s good at beating people up on command, and little else. Together, they turn the town into a snow globe of xenophobia where dancing and games and fun are out, while scowling and stabbing and bible verses are in. They’ve set up their own little kiddie cult; one that’s hostile to out-of-towners, specifically the adult kind.

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