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Let me make a couple of statements for the record. I do not know what an Oogielove is. I have no idea why such a creature would feel the need to go on a BIG Balloon Adventure. And I have no idea how to draw the line between movie characters whose novel appearances potentially appeal to young children versus those whose unholy features are the stuff of mankind's worst night terrors. My guess is that the Oogieloves fall into the latter category rather than the former.

What is important to note is that The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure represents a maverick style of feature film production. This is not a Disney release, nor Sony, nor DreamWorks Animation, nor anyone else whose name you know. This is as independent a movie release as the industry has witnessed in ages. The distributor is listed as "Kenn Viselman Presents", Kenn Viselman being a producer of the Oogieloves movie. Clearly, Kenn Viselman beloves in the potential earning power of Oogiemania more than I do. I was burned by Mulkeymania back in the 1980s and the entire experience hardened me, turned me cynical.

Mayhap you are more optimistic than me. I must allow for the possibility that you have liked The Oogieloves on Facebook and follow their every tweet as well. What is relevant to you if you are this sort of emotional equivalent to a cutter is that The Oogieloves are about to go on a grand adventure. Yes, Goobie, Zoozie and Toofie - as if we all didn't know their names already - are about to live their puppet-y lives to the fullest.

Apparently, J. Edgar, Windy Window and Ruffy are planning a party! I presume that if J. Edgar is the decider, cross dressing will be involved. Tyler Perry's Madea's Oogieloves is an idea whose time has come! But I digress. While J. Edgar is multitasking between event planning and wiretapping elected officials, he trips. During the kerfluffle, the final five (cylons?) magical balloons are lost. YES! The town of Lovelyloveville is now without magical balloons! This is the worst balloon-related tragedy since one-hit wonder Nena!

The entire town must band together in their Oogielove support if Lovelyloveville is to survive the balloonpocalypse! Hopefully, friends like Marvin Milkshake, Dotty Rounder, Rosalie Rosebud, Bobby Wobbly and the Sombrero Siblings can help the Oogieloves save the day! If not, the final prophecy of Revelations will come true. Lovelyloveville will exist without balloons. Or helium or oxygen or hydrogen or nitrous oxide, apparently. Balloon technology isn't tricky stuff.

Anyway, Oogieloves is a real thing. If the picture above does not frighten your small children, there exists the possibility you will have to watch this in a theater. Or on home video. As a preemptive strike against this possibility, I recommend that all of North America poke out their eyeballs just to be safe. I learned from The Book of Eli and Ray that we can do just fine without sight. And really, what good does vision do for us if it makes us susceptible to Oogieloves movie screenings? (David Mumpower/BOP)

Vital statistics for The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure Supporting Cast Toni Braxton, Cloris Leachman, Christopher Lloyd, Chazz Palminteri, Cary Elwes, Jaime Pressly Director Matthew Diamond Screenwriter Scott Stabile Distributor Kenn Viselman Presents Rating G Talent in red has entry in The Big Picture