On the Big Board |
| Position |
Staff |
In Brief |
| 162/169 |
Max Braden |
Shoot 'Em Up at least delivered its absurdity with some flair. This is just a noisy, pointless mess. |
In the realm of unlikely sequels, the order of precedence is Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Basic Instinct 2, and now a new entry on the list, Crank 2. For those of you who didn’t see the first film, let me break it down for you. BOP fave Jason Statham accepts a big paycheck to star in an action movie about a man who needs to keep his adrenaline above a certain level. If he fails to keep his speed above 55 MPH…err, adrenaline above a certain level, the poison within him will kill him.
In order to fend off the effects of this Beijing Cocktail, Statham semi-enthusiastically fights an entire gang, drives his car up an escalator, snorts tons of nasal spray (don’t ask) and uses a defibrillator on himself. The high point, however, if you love bad movies with horrifically bad ideas, occurs when Statham’s character semi-rapes his girlfriend (Amy Smart, who clearly needs to fire her agent) right in front of about 200 people who…wait for it…cheer him on. Even better, the sexual assault victim, given the clear cut choices between dumping her boyfriend and pressing charges or getting extremely turned on, chooses the latter. It’s the single worst cinematic “love” scene since Enemy at the Gates. BOP was sad for everyone involved…and we include the extras and camera crew in that.
To our total and complete shock, other critics disagreed. Crank has a Fresh rating at Rotten Tomatoes, making us wonder how many crack addicts have movie Web sites (other than us, of course). Still, the movie was not financially successful, earning only $27.8 million domestically, making the prospects of a sequel unlikely, even allowing for the paltry $12 million budget. Apparently, Statham wants another boat, though, so he signed on for another movie and - to our complete and utter amazement - so did Amy Smart. This is despite the fact that her previous role in Crank was the worst written female character since Kate Capshaw’s Willie in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
So, if Crank was this disastrous, what does Lionsgate have planned for Crank 2? Apparently, Statham’s character, Chev Chelios, gets his heart stolen. And I am not speaking metaphorically. Ugh. If you go see this in a theater, I will personally fly to your city, drive to your home and slap you. (David Mumpower/BOP)
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